Five Things the Enemy Uses to “Gnaw” At Your Spouse

Over the course of 21 years, my wife (Mandy) and I have had an opportunity to provide pastoral guidance for several couples. Unfortunately, despite our best attempts, some of these couples still decided to walk away from each other. In review of the situations when things just didn't work out, our collective observation has been that often the couples had something "eating away" at them -- "gnawing" at the foundation of their relationship. Over time, these “little foxes” left uncaught grew to ruin the meaningfulness of the connection between the two. The issue(s) eventually became so significant that neither the husband nor wife felt the relationship was worth fighting for any longer. Sadly, over and over again, we have heard the cry of the same little foxes coming from different relationships. Names and faces have changed many times but the issues have stayed the same.

So, please hear this clearly, LITTLE foxes are a BIG deal! They can destroy any meaningful relationship. Recently, in reflection upon this reality, I generated a list of the top five "foxes" that I’ve repeatedly discovered in the vineyards of relationships. These five things just seem to "gnaw" at people, to the point that many eventually say, “I just can’t deal with this anymore!" or "I’m done!”

In no particular order:

1. Financial Disagreements

At first, it’s just a disagreement about whether to rent or buy a home, purchase a new car or a used car, take a big vacation or stay home all Summer. But if you repetitively ignore the tension, and little foxes remain loose, things can get intense quickly. We’ve heard of everything from secret credit cards with $20,000 maxed out balances at 26% interest to hidden bass boats docked in a marina. It can start so small initially. But small debt becomes big debt when the enemy is "uncaught" and gnawing away at our minds -- falsely convincing us of everything we are entitled to call our own, regardless of our partner’s opinion.

2. Lack of Sexual Satisfaction

It starts with differences regarding stylistic or frequency preferences in the bedroom. But unharbored, the gnawing of discontentment can lead to flirtatiousness towards other people, pornographic exploration, or complete betrayal. If allowed, the enemy will come in and keep chewing until he has destroyed any remaining meaningfulness within the relationship!

3. In-Laws Overreaching

This fox usually gains entry through the gate of good intentions. For example, a set of in-laws cares a lot about their child, and they have strong opinions about what is best for their side of the family. But this little fox can chew quickly. Frustration develops, and distance from a critical support system occurs. Often, as the gnawing intensifies, ungodly counsel from unhealthy third-party advisors becomes a reality, and the enemy takes full aim at destroying the relationship.

4. Lack of Special Moments

Honestly, we may have heard this one more than any other. This fox's whine sounds like “he used to do the little things” or “she's always with the kids.” And it gets loose because couples become too busy to lean into one another which then leads to a lack of value and lost romance in the relationship. Instead, we must take time to nurture the special moments in our relationships.

5. Lack of Appreciation for the Little Things

All of us want to be edified, encouraged, and affirmed -- a LOT! Unfortunately, this means we are unlikely to be intentional about meeting these emotional needs for our spouse in a meaningful way. The reason is that humanity tends to give the least of the things we desire the most. The sad reality then becomes that failing to affirm our “special someone” can give place in their life to the gnawing effects of a lack of appreciation. Soon, attitudes like vindictiveness, anger, and lashing out begin to make noise in the relationship. So, it’s essential to appreciate and acknowledge the little things that your spouse does for you, and continue doing the little things for them!

If one or more of these fox bites are "gnawing" at you or your spouse -- chewing away at your heart and mind -- do not be discouraged. You can catch the foxes! And we will talk more about it in my next post.

For the moment, I leave you this encouragement:

Then Samson went and caught three hundred foxes, took torches, turned the foxes tail to tail, and put a torch between each pair of tails. When he had set the torches on fire, he let the foxes go into the standing grain of the Philistines and burned up both the shocks and the standing grain, as well as the vineyards and olive groves. -Judges 15:4-5 (NKJV)

Samson caught the foxes.

Initially, he was distraught with the Philistines and wanted to bring demise upon them. So he took three hundred foxes and tied their tails together with torches in-between. He then set the torches on fire and released the bound and on-fire foxes into the Philistines fields that were ready for reaping. In so doing, he plundered hell’s harvest and brought destruction to his enemy so that God's Kingdom could be advanced. The bottom line: Samson made the foxes work for him, not against him. And with God's help, so can you!

We must catch and bind up the little foxes that try to destroy our meaningful relationships. It’s the little things that appear in our marriages that the enemy will use to destroy them. But when we acknowledge the little foxes, we can overcome them!

I invite you to view this message in its entirety at this link: https://youtu.be/s9gactgmBc0

WATCH IT | DISCUSSION GUIDE| MESSAGE NOTES

We want to connect with you and help you take your next steps!

1. Do you have a relationship with Jesus? This decision is the first step in receiving peace in your life. If you are ready to give your life to Jesus, we would love to celebrate with you at 3trees.com.

2. Do you need to rededicate your life to Jesus? If yes, please connect with us at 3trees.com.

3. Do you feel God prompting you to take your next steps? If yes, BEGIN is waiting for you! You can walk through our ONLINE BEGIN class at 3trees.com/begin

4. Would you like to make a difference in our community? Join our captivate team! Visit 3trees.com to find out how you can participate in community outreach opportunities.

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These Two Things Will Destroy Meaningful Connections in Your Life

As a child in rural Creelsboro, Kentucky, I vividly remember working in the family garden on Saturday mornings. Each year the garden seemed to expand in territory, and it was my job to help plant new seeds, weed, and till. Six years ago, after relocating to the area of my childhood home, nostalgia hit me. I desired a garden of my own! Unfortunately, things didn't go so well.

Everything that I planted was eaten up; as soon as stalks sprouted from the ground and began showing life they would be gobbled up. It was incredibly frustrating to see my attempts at productivity be eaten away by pests! So frustrated that I quit. I just let the deer and rabbits have all my work and I once again began my treks to the local grocery store’s produce aisle.

I wonder if your spiritual journey is likened unto my gardening. You are putting in the work. You're being intentional about leaning into God. But it feels like before you start to see things come to fruition, the harvest is eaten up. You know it is hindering what God wants to do in your life. And you’re frustrated.

Notice this verse:

Catch us the foxes, The little foxes that spoil the vines, For our vines have tender grapes.-Song of Solomon 2:15 (NKJV)

Three things stick out, foxes, vines, and fruit. And the context for this verse in The Song of Solomon seems to imply that the concept of fruitful vines in a vineyard is most likely referring to the blossoming of an intimate relationship.(1) Specifically, the bed of marriage. And with this contextual application, we learn that Solomon implies little foxes can spoil or hinder the meaningful connection of a marital relationship. To avoid this damage to the relationship’s fruitfulness, we have to catch the little foxes! (2)

Moving beyond the metaphor and stating it bluntly, the meaningfulness of the relationship is being hindered by the “little things” that keep happening.

What are the little foxes? In this verse, they are best described as a general threat or something that holds the relationship back from thriving like it could or should, something that is detrimental to the relationship. (3)

In some middle eastern countries, little foxes still physically destroy vineyards.(4) For example, in Palestine, there are watch teams for foxes at many vineyards. They are that harmful.

In the Bible, foxes are not viewed positively. Typically, throughout Scripture, foxes (used interchangeably with jackals) are depicted as sly and harmful (Ref. Neh. 4:3 and Lam. 4:18).(5) Foxes eat away and destroy fruitfulness. Collectively, Bible scholars seem to consider them guileful, and Tremper Longman goes as far as to say they are to be viewed through the biblical lens “as cunning as a serpent.” (6)

Thankfully, Song of Solomon 2:15 gives us instructions for catching little foxes that spoil the vineyard. Indicating we are to catch the little things that come into our lives to destroy our meaningful relationships. Most specifically, the relationship we have with our spouse. Because the prophetic warning is clear, something little, sly, and harmful can creep in – and if you don’t catch it – it can spoil your entire relationship!

I recently read of a gardener’s struggle with developing a flower garden. As it began to take shape and blossoming began, he encountered two pests.

First, the vole. These yard pests look a lot like mice, but they create tunnels underground and eat the roots of your plants. This issue makes them more aggravating than moles because moles eat mostly worms. (7) Gardeners say you can tell you have voles if you watch plants fall over easily because they have no roots to keep them in place. (8) Voles are root-killers!

Secondly, the rabbits showed up. Rabbits constantly eat the leaves, flowers, and buds off of plants, deterring any types of growth from happening. I learned of one family that had just planted a Purple Heart plant and every day it would grow a couple of flowers. Like clockwork, the bunnies would eat the flower during the day. However, every morning when we woke up there would be a new flower and the whole cycle would start over.

Ironically, the fox is both vole and rabbit combined. He is a root-killer and a fruit-killer! The fox gnaws or chews on the vine’s stem at ground level until it is completely broken off from the root. Root-killer! Likewise, the fox loves tender fruit and will devour it at the first opportunity. Fruit-killer!

Spiritually, you could think of root-killers in this way:

• Unconfessed and Unrepented Sin.

You convince yourself, “it’s not that big of a deal.” The result of this mentality is that you stop repenting. The sin stops bothering you. In such an environment, where conviction is absent, little things become big things quickly. For example, maybe you just had a lingering eye, but now it’s turned into adultery. Or maybe at first, you just skimmed a little off your taxes, but now you're looking for ways to fully steal from a business partner or cheat the system completely. The enemy shows up in our lives with just a little bit of stealing until he moves into a whole lot of killing because he desires to bring absolute destruction to your life!

These little foxes keep chewing and gnawing away at the meaningfulness of your connection with God until you are overwhelmed with condemnation, guilt, and shame, even though you probably won’t admit what you’re dealing with publicly.

FRUIT KILLERS:

• Hurts, bad habits, and hang-ups

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such, there is no law. -Galatians 5:22-23

God wants to do fruitful work in your life, but you have to be connected to Him for this to happen. Getting the foxes off the roots allows for the connection to be maintained. But, don’t think the fight of faith is over there. The enemy is still coming for your fruit!

The enemy wants to chew away at your fruit by bringing disruption to your harvest of peace, bitterness to your willingness to love, and anxiety to your longsuffering. You’re not battling one fox – you’re fighting “foxes!”

We must catch the root killers and the fruit killers. The little things. The spiritual foxes! If you don't catch them, both root and fruit will be damaged in your life – ruining your most meaningful relationships. Maybe even damaging the meaningfulness of your connection with Jesus Christ.

I invite you to view this message in its entirety at this link: https://youtu.be/s9gactgmBc0

WATCH IT | DISCUSSION GUIDE| MESSAGE NOTES

We want to connect with you and help you take your next steps!

1. Do you have a relationship with Jesus? This decision is the first step in receiving peace in your life. If you are ready to give your life to Jesus, we would love to celebrate with you at 3trees.com.

2. Do you need to rededicate your life to Jesus? If yes, please connect with us at 3trees.com.

3. Do you feel God prompting you to take your next steps? If yes, BEGIN is waiting for you! You can walk through our ONLINE BEGIN class at 3trees.com/begin

4. Would you like to make a difference in our community? Join our captivate team! Visit 3trees.com to find out how you can participate in community outreach opportunities.

5. Subscribe to EricGilbert.org using this link:https://www.ericgilbert.org/subscribe. You'll be able to receive updates directly to your email inbox as we post blogs every Monday, Thursday, and Friday morning.

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(1) Gianni Barbiero, Song of Songs, 118.

(2) Tremper Longman, Song of Songs, 111.

(3) Tommy Nelson, The Book of Romance: What Solomon Says About Love, Sex, and Intimacy, (Nashville, TN.: T. Nelson, 1998), 62.

(4) Gianni Barbiero, Song of Songs, (The Netherlands: Brill, 2011), 118.

(5) Paul J. Achtemeier, Harper's Bible Dictionary, (San Francisco: Harper & Row, 1985), 321.

(6) Tremper Longman, Song of Songs, (Grand Rapids: Eerdmans Publishing Co., 2001), 110.

(7) Kathy Van Mullekom, “Catch the Voles That Love to Eat Your Plant Roots”, January 5, 2005, https://www.dailypress.com/news/dp-xpm-20050130-2005-01-30-0501280279-story.html

(8) Van Mullekom, “Catch the Voles”.

This May Be Limiting Meaningfulness in Your Relationships

When we evaluate Samson’s life, we can quickly conclude that he had a problem saying “no” to his desires. When he became attracted to someone, all of his common sense went out the door. Overcome with lust; he repetitively pursued his fleshly desires. Ultimately, the enemy used this weakness to destroy his life.

The Book of Judges reveals that Samson entered three significant relationships over the course of his lifetime. Each time, the women were not right for him or a part of the plan God had for him. Yet, Samson ignored the Nazarite covenant and his parents' wise counsel. Instead, he entered into each relationship based on personal attraction and lust – living in the mindset “what I want I get.” Samson was determined to have his way no matter how foolish and destructive his choices were!

I’m willing to bet that you know people just like Samson. People who are attraction-driven and act on lust more than wisdom. Maybe you’ve looked at this person and thought to yourself or even voiced your opinion, “What are you doing? This is not the right relationship for you!” But your concerns fall on deaf ears, just like the pleas of Samson’s parents to him.

Maybe I should also ask, are you “Samson”?

Regardless, the problem is that these attractions can enter into one's heart, becoming more important than the relationship the person has with God. And when someone is more interested in what he is attracted to than what God is calling him to, he will settle for less. As a result, romance starts to look like love falsely, and sex becomes more important than a meaningful relationship.

Our world’s obsession with romance and sexual activity can be seen as an addiction. And addiction can make us do things we wouldn’t normally do, as we don’t realize how immature our actions are becoming. However, in an article for Philosophy, Psychiatry, & Psychology journal, authors explain a difference between MATURE and IMMATURE love.

• Immature love “is typified by power games, possessive thoughts and behaviors, obsessive concern over the partner’s fidelity, ‘clinging’ tendencies, uncertainty, and anxiety.” (1)

The rush of fleshly romance can be similar to an addict's reaction to their drug of choice. Researchers James Burkett and Larry Young write,

“At first, each encounter was accompanied by a rush of euphoria—new experiences, new pleasures, each more exciting than the last. Every detail became associated with those intense feelings: places, times, objects, faces.

Other interests suddenly became less important as more time was spent pursuing the next joyful encounter. Gradually, the euphoria during these encounters waned, replaced imperceptibly by feelings of contentment, calm, and happiness. The moments between encounters seemed to grow longer, even as they stayed the same, and separation came to be filled with painful longing and desire.” (2)

Is that quote about romantic love or about taking a drug? (3)

Both substance abuse and romantic relationships light up the same area of the brain. Of course, there are differences between these two things, but most simply, they both work like a reward system. That is why the attraction becomes something you crave, and it starts to rule and own your heart, even when you may realize it’s not right. You may be telling yourself, I know I don't want to be on this path. I know I should have dealt with this issue a long time ago… but it feels like an addiction. This is a tactic of the enemy! He wants to prevent you from having meaningful relationships in your life. He wants to keep you stuck in the cycle of attraction and lust.

When we pursue unhealthy connections in unhealthy ways, we are prone to abusing and mistreating the objects of our affections. This behavior then prevents us from ever stepping into meaningful relationships with others.

Samson struggled with this his whole life because he never gave his heart to God before giving it to someone else. Because of this, he made one foolish decision after another based on attractions and lust. As a result, he never got his relationship with Heaven straight, so it caused him issues with all of his earthly relationships… and it ultimately cost him the power of God in his life and the anointing of the Holy Spirit.

This scenario is not God’s plan for anyone. That’s why it is so important that we give God our whole hearts from the beginning.

Have you given God your whole heart?

Jesus said to him, “ ‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the first and great commandment.” -Matthew 22:37–38 (NKJV)

I invite you to view this message in its entirety at this link: https://youtu.be/c_DPzy71VBc

WATCH IT | DISCUSSION GUIDE| MESSAGE NOTES

We want to connect with you and help you take your next steps!

1. Do you have a relationship with Jesus? This decision is the first step in receiving peace in your life. If you are ready to give your life to Jesus, we would love to celebrate with you at 3trees.com.

2. Do you need to rededicate your life to Jesus? If yes, please connect with us at 3trees.com.

3. Do you feel God prompting you to take your next steps? If yes, BEGIN is waiting for you! You can walk through our ONLINE BEGIN class at 3trees.com/begin

4. Would you like to make a difference in our community? Join our captivate team! Visit 3trees.com to find out how you can participate in community outreach opportunities.

5. Subscribe to EricGilbert.org using this link:https://www.ericgilbert.org/subscribe. You'll be able to receive updates directly to your email inbox as we post blogs every Monday, Thursday, and Friday morning.

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1) Earp, Wudarczyk, Foddy, and Savulescu, “Addicted to Love”.

2) James P. Burkett and Larry J Young, “The behavioral, anatomical and pharmacological parallels between social attachment, love and addiction.” Psychopharmacology vol. 224,1 (2012): 1-26.

3) Earp, Wudarczyk, Foddy, and Savulescu, “Addicted to Love”.