How to Have What Everyone Wants in Relationships | Tip #3

Let us, therefore, make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification. [Romans 14:19 NIV]

I find it interesting that one of the closest words for translation of the word “peace” in this text is “harmony.” Think about it, “do what leads to peace,” is the Biblical equivalent to AIM FOR HARMONY.

In truth, it is impossible to have peace if things aren’t in harmony. And, the Bible actually talks a lot about harmony. In the New Testament alone, there are over five verses in the Message translation that address the subject directly in connection with describing God’s plan for human relationships.

If you don’t have a musical background, you may not have immediate insight into the subject, but the concept of harmony is rather simple. For singers to acquire harmony, they need to sing the same melody in the same tune. It is an impossible feat to accomplish if you can’t hear the other person, and even then it can take years of practice to become great at harmony. As well, an interesting side note, the singing groups who are best at harmonizing seem to realize it is just as important to see the other singers in their group as it is to hear them.

What would happen if you aimed for harmony in your relationships?

To do so, you are going to need to actually hear what your spouse, child, or co-worker is saying. You’re going to need to see them; for who they really are. It may be time to stop trying to win the argument and just listen. Then, aim for harmony. It doesn’t mean you have to agree, it just means you need to say your “part” in the right tune. In adhering to this relationship-altering principle, it does not mean you can’t disagree, but it does mean you may need to change, soften, or improve your tone. Because it’s not so much what you say, but rather how you say it when you are aiming for harmony.

The bottomline, we achieve peace by learning to — even in disagreements — disagree agreeably.

How to Have What Everyone Wants in Relationships | Tip #2

Let us, therefore, make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification. [Romans 14:19 NIV]

The word “edification,” in its purest form, means BUILD UP.

Unfortunately, if we aren’t building up, we are probably tearing down. Because words almost always fall into one of two categories: life or death. You might say it this way: life-giving or life-taking.

One translation of Romans 14:19 provides a unique insight into why it is important to choose words that build up, “Help others with encouraging words; don’t drag them down by finding fault.” Each of us needs to realize our words can drag others down. So... don’t be a drag!

I believe in high-feedback environments; such a culture is the most efficient way to get better. But focusing on continually pointing out the faults of others can be too much feedback. We’ve all been in concerts or present at events where a microphone begins to squeal in the sound system. It can be painfully ear-piercing. The technical reason why this happens: Too much feedback. If people are repetitively grimacing as you begin your monologues, you might be offering... too much feedback.

As you examine your heart -- and your conversations -- to ensure that you are not being a drag, offering too much criticism, or tearing down more than you are building up, it leads to another critical question: Are the people around you fragile?

The book of Hebrews makes an impressive statement declaring that God shakes everything with His voice. But don't neglect to realize that you are made in God's image. Have you considered that your voice might also shake things? Is it possible that your constant “rattling” has had the exact opposite effect of building up? Here's how to determine the answer: If you build up, the relationships around you become more stable, more foundationally solid, more fused together; but, if you don’t choose to edify others, the result is relationships that are increasingly fragile, vulnerable, and susceptible to collapse.

Don’t be a drag. Stop rattling. Build up!

How to Have What Everyone Wants in A Relationship | Tip #1

Let us, therefore, make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification. [Romans 14:19 NIV]

According to multiple university surveys, the number one thing people desire is PEACE. And, when it comes to this vast longing for peace, I'm sure we all wish God would just snap his fingers and make it happen. But while God could do that, Paul teaches us in his letter to the Romans, in order to actually experience peace in our relationships, an extensive effort is going to be required of us. Three words unveil the revelation, "make every effort."

In context, the direct translation of this term, “make every effort,” brings to light the reality that we could read the verse as follows, “Let’s agree to use all our energy in getting along with each other.” In other words, we can't make every effort, unless we are willing to INVEST ENERGY.

But, to invest energy, you will need to have something left in the tank to give when you arrive at interactions with the acquaintances you value most. And, you want to make sure you have that reserve because you don’t want to give the people that love you the most the worst version of you.

In this vein, I’ve personally observed throughout twenty years of pastoral ministry, too often, we try to substitute other things for energy. For instance, many of us would rather give money than energy. In fact, some of us invest in gifts simply because we have spent all of our energy. However, you need to realize, your son may never remember the baseball you bought him, but he will never forget the one you used to play catch. Just as your daughter may forget the doll you purchased for her, but she’ll never forget when you stopped by her room for a tea party.

In learning to reserve the right amount of energy for our most important relationships, we have to learn (and it was a mentor that taught me this principle), “Focus more on optimizing energy than on managing time.” The result is that we have something left to give when it matters most!